by Chris McQuay


Definition of E. G. People: Someone important to you that's affecting your life or ministry in a negative way. When you are in the ministry you are in touch with a lot of E.G. people. I'd like to help you with that if I can.

First of all, you need to understand that the E.G.'s behavior and attitude can certainly be a problem, but they are not THE problem. They are manifestations or symptoms of the way he or she looks at life, and that's important to understand. You need to get a glimpse of how the E.G. person sees life and relationships, because it most likely is not how you do. You need to be able to understand this before you can successfully deal with them.

Most people believe their lives and feelings matter. That's normal. But for the E.G. person, that's taken to a whole new level. They feel like their experiences matter more. They have trouble empathizing with the feelings of others, especially if they are the cause any hurt or difficulty. It's hard for them to really SEE their own failures and deal with them. They've probably been that way for a long time, and quite frankly are comfortable with who and what they are. The E.G. person doesn't have a great deal of motivation to change. That's important to remember when you are dealing with them.

But don't get the idea that they are bad people. While there are certainly some really bad people out there, your E.G. person probably has some very good qualities that you'll need to keep in perspective when dealing with them. They might have a sense of humor, be intelligent or popular with some groups of people. Find their good points and keep them in mind when you are talking to them, so that your E.G. person won't feel judged, or looked down upon by you. When they feel your "critical attitude" it only perpetuates the problem. So how do you work with your E.G. people? I'm glad you asked.

1. GOD
You care about your E.G. person and want things to go well between the two of you. Yet that person is free to choose his behavior toward you, his attitudes and whether he even wants to be in relationship with you. Loving an E.G. person can be downright difficult. But God gets it. He understands the situation. He's experienced it.

E.G.'s can be complicated people who create complicated relationships. Yet God shines the light of truth and understanding on these matters. He is the one who "knows the secrets of the heart." (Ps. 44:21) He is aware of the inconsistencies, the sudden mood shifts, the counterattacks and blaming, and all the things in your E.G. person that mystify you. These are not mysteries to Him; rather He can help you through the maze. It's also important to remember that God loves your difficult person and wants the best for him; just as He does you. If you have run out of love, ask God for His.

2. CREATE A SAFE ENVIRONMENT

- Respect the wall. When people are threatened, they build a wall. Instead of trying to knock down the wall with a sledgehammer, respect the wall. Create a safe environment in which the other person can gradually take down the wall.
- Honor others. What I mean by honoring others is to see them as valuable. See them as God sees them. Honor creates a safe environment in which people can come together.
- Suspend judgment. When we express genuine interest in people rather than judge them, relationships have a better chance of growing.
- Value differences. When we value our differences rather than make them the focus of our conflict, we create a place of safety.

3. YOUR WORDS

The first rule of communication is "LISTEN." Listen to the feelings beyond the words. People generally feel more understood, cared for and connected when the communication focuses on their emotions and feelings rather than on their words or thoughts. And the real message is most often found in the emotion behind the words. Allow others' emotions to touch you. People feel loved when they know you truly understand their feelings.

Look at communication as a process of discovery rather than a tool to problem solve. When you do, you often solve the problems by default. Effective communication starts with safety. When you listen rather than judge or correct, you create a safe environment for understanding to grow. Communication is about understanding, not determining who's right. That's all well and good unless it is one of those times when you must be the authority. If it is one of those cases and you've not had real good success with confrontation, it might be good to first role-play with a safe person. Too much can go wrong, especially if you aren't used to confronting.

Remember that every conversation has at least two dimensions: tone and content. Tone has to do with how your voice sounds when you say something, and of course, content is what you are saying. Use warmth in your tone of voice. Warmth conveys safety and care, and it has the best chance of keeping your E.G. person from becoming even more defensive than they already are. Speak from your experience and life; speak from your heart. Stay with what you feel, think and perceive. Don't speak at the person, to use all-inclusive words like, always and never

Tell them about specific behaviors or words that illustrate the problem. What is observable generally has a root cause to it, but stay with the behavior. State the problem's effect. The more you show how what they do hurt the we the better your chances of breaking through their defenses. Say what you want them to change. But keep I mind that there may be times when what you desire is something that is beyond the E.G.'s ability at this time. You don't want to get in the problem of asking something that they cannot do. Request something that they can do and that will help empower them to change.

Be prepared for the possibility that, though you have gone through the steps of the talk, the E.G. person may still be resistant. They may deny, minimize, rationalize, or blame the problem on you. Don't be surprised by this. Understand that they may have used deflection or responsibility as a life pattern for a long time. Listen, and then get back on track. Hear out the excuse or blame, but refocus on your request for change. Above all pray for wisdom and compassion from God, and remember that you are not responsible for their change, just how you present the request.

After completing Part 2 of our three part exercise, I want to share two scriptures with you:

(Psalm 39:4-5 NLT) "LORD, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered, and that my life is fleeing away. My life is no longer than the width of my hand. An entire lifetime is just a moment to you; human existence is but a breath."

(Proverbs 3:27) "Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act. Do not say to your neighbor, ‘Come back later; I'll give it tomorrow’ — when you now have it with you.

Part 3: Now, take time to write down what is in your heart right now and write a plan of action that will set your course for the rest of this year.

Thank you for participating in these exercises.

Blessings in 2008

Hi Ladies:


Reflection:

If you only had a year to live, write three things you would do.

1. ________________________________

2. ________________________________

3. ________________________________

I spent New Year’s Eve at a friend’s home. This was such a beautiful spiritual encounter with God. Over the next few weeks I want to take you on this Journey.

Three Part Encounter for the New Year

We need to take another look and see God’s blessings

I. Name five things you are most grateful for in 2007

1. ____________________________________________

2. ____________________________________________

3. ____________________________________________

4. ____________________________________________

5. ____________________________________________

by Pastor Pat Johnson

Every Christmas my mom and brother spend the night with my family for Christmas Eve. We have a great time baking cookies for Santa (LOL) and putting out carrots and water for the reindeers! We read the story of Christmas from the Bible and allow the kids to open one gift…it is always a new pair of pajamas so that the Christmas morning pictures are cute! The next morning we wake up with the birds, open gifts and have a wonderful breakfast together.

by Pastor Amber Payne

We have many wonderful Christmas traditions! When Chris and I joined in marriage, I found the joy of joining our family’s long-standing traditions together. On our first Christmas I could not have known how wonderful it could be to be a part of a new family at Christmas time. God designed it for me to have a new family become a part of my Christmases to come.

10 Reasons We Thank You!

Thank you for standing with the pastor when others have walked away.

Thank you for being the first to support your husband in prayer.

Thank you for loving the church and sacrificing your time and your life.

Thank you for giving of your finances to build the house of God.

Thank you for obeying the call of God with your husband.

Pastor’s wife, first lady, pastor…it doesn’t matter what people call you…you know who you really are. You are the woman who supports her husband, cares for the needs of your family while living in a fishbowl, ministers to the needs of your congregation and community, and still answers graciously when someone asks, “Do you have a minute?” and you know full well they mean an hour. No matter how much you do, or how well, there are always people who expect more. Most of us are “people pleasers” at some level, so this might be the hardest thing of all…doing your best and it is just not good enough. I recognize that all of us are involved in different ministries and at different levels, but the one common denominator for us all is we experience seasons of weariness, and flat out exhaustion. Society has developed a term for what we experience. It is called “burn out.” We’ve all been there at one time or another in our lives. I’ve been there…several times. Whether you are there right now or not, I have a few suggestions that may help you live healthier and yes, more productive lives.

"The Pastor's wife is the only woman I know who is asked to work full time without pay on her husband's job, in a role no one has yet defined."
Ruthe White

While traveling overseas on missions I have found that regardless of geopolitical boundaries and distinctive cultural differences, pastor’s wives all face the same issues. How do you raise a family in a fish bowl? How do you deal with unrealistic expectations? You are there for everyone else, but where do you go for counsel, encouragement and direction? Has anyone ever clearly defined the role? These are serious questions that deserve serious answers. We have created this confidential site to answer these and other pressing issues of the pastorate. Please submit your questions, concerns, prayer requests and victories to help others on the front lines.